She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
