watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
