im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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