You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
