My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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