So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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