We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It's just like the Real World with babies
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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