I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
