I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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