I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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