I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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