I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
