Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
