were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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