Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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