I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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