i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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