You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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