There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I can text with my tongue
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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