sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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