I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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