dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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