listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i think my cat just said my name.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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