if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
