She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
