I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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