one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
