also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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