We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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