I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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