Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
