i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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