So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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