Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize