i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
