Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Boobs speak an international language.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize