this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
