I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
