I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
