Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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