I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
