I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So squirting runs in the family.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
