My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
