I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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