my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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