The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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