I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
