just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
my shit smells like andre
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize