i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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