i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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