I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
