Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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