How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
