I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
That's intense
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
