just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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