I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
