While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Randomize
