Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
