You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
