sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
