At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
