Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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